WALKING AWAY

There were endless signs that my time was up. I was no longer as passionate about my work as I was before. The cycles were endless, you were never sure if you had impressed the boss or not. We were fired and rehired in the same breath. Some days, your responsibilities were passed on to another person, without explanation and then given back to you almost immediately, when they failed to deliver. And you had to be grateful; you never were supposed to frown. Whatever happened, you were supposed to take it in with grace. While at first, I thought I could put up with all that, I reached a time when I couldn’t take it anymore. My confidence and esteem suffered; I was constantly afraid that I was not good enough.

I wanted to up and walk away and yet I wanted not. I talked to a friend who told me they thought I could do much better. He thought I was an organized person, obviously intelligent. There was so much I could do out of an environment that he thought was breaking me. He kind of drew a picture for me, of who I would be in a more favourable atmosphere. I yearned to make that picture come to life.

It took all my will and strength to finally walk away. I had given myself reasons for staying. I was needed, what could they do without me? My employers had stood with me in so many ways, how do I walk away? What kind of person does that make me? I had learnt so much working there. The place had nurtured me so much; I felt I owed it my life. Even as I did so, I suffocated more in this place. 

We are human and we do have attachments to things, places and people. Once we get used to someone or something, it is hard to let go. So many of us have found ourselves in relationships that we knew we shouldn’t be in but we stayed anyway. Every waking day, we promised ourselves that we would walk away and start anew. Instead, what did we do? We gave ourselves another wonderful excuse for trying out one more time. 

We know that we shouldn’t beg for the attention that we are not getting, but we do it anyway. We know in our heart of hearts that the relationship is not going anywhere, but we stick in there. The warning signs are blinking at us in all directions but we choose to play blind. 

Walking away from the familiar is pretty hard. You consider the unknown and you take a step back. You have no idea what to expect, how easy or hard it is going to be. You are stepping out of your comfort zone, leaving back the routine to which you are used.

After I had made up my mind to leave, I called one of my close friends. At the end of our conversation, she told me, “I always thought you would conquer the world, and now I look at you and you seem like the world has defeated you at such a young age.” That statement hurt, but I needed to hear it. I shouldered up and started working on the new person that I want to be. I am not where my imaginative mind says I should be, but I have made such great strides in that direction. I am going to conquer the world!

As we are ushered into the New Year, I pray that you find the strength and courage to walk away from what and who has broken you this year. You dear, deserve better.