Dear Self

Dear Self, 

Today I missed the younger you, really missed her. I missed your innocence, and your ability to be unfazed during times of trouble. I missed the fact that you always found Christmas so magical. 

I wanted to travel back in time and be you. To crawl on my father’s lap, swing on my brother’s arm and throw reckless tantrums if only to have my way around things. I just wanted for one more time, to live that life, whose only problem was that one of her friends wasn’t speaking to her. I wanted to be that little girl again, who wasn’t bothered by life’s problems. And you know what? I yearned for my dad. I just wanted to see his face, hear his voice, I missed him. 

You see I was feeling so cranky and I didn’t even know why. I wanted to be able to play in the rain, with reckless abandon. I craved to laugh without a care and love unconditionally. I looked for the sunset, I wanted to sit down and watch the sun take its bow for the day. I wondered when I had last done so. I desired to observe the clouds move up in the sky. When had I lost the curiosity of what nature bestows upon us daily?

Younger Self, you have always been a dreamer, as long as I can remember you. When you were a little girl, your main motivation for growing up was so that you could wear pleated skirts like the ones mama had. Oh, how you loved those skirts! I vividly remember you, as you stared in space, thinking how beautiful you would look in them. Funny, but you have an insatiable love for pleated clothes. Even as a grown-up woman, you just simply can’t resist them, can you?

Somehow, everything that mama did always inspire you. Her love for God always beats your understanding. I remember the time when you and your siblings picked up a habit of pretending to smoke cigarettes, using paper. It went on for a few days until one morning when you went to greet mama and she said that in a dream, God had told her what you were doing. That sure did terrify you. You wondered what sort of mother you had, but you never did it again. Up to date, you still wonder if God spoke to her, or she had found out another way. 

She was a strong woman, who went for what she wanted, and she never stopped until she got it. She used to tell you, that women don’t fight, well not physically. You were such a little girl but it is something that you have never forgotten. You have had so many opportunities to get into fights, but you have always responded with the same, “I would have fought, but my mama told me women don’t fight.” You were sneered at and called weakly, you never paid mind to those comments. You knew you never had to fight, to prove a point to anyone. 

But those people didn’t know one thing, that you have always been a strong woman. You have an inner strength that even you can’t fathom. It’s like an inner force, made of steel and iron, that won’t be broken by anything or anyone. 

Much as you never engaged in physical fights, you have won battles that could probably earn you a medal on hero’s days. You, my darling will go for what you want and just like your mother, stop at nothing until you get it. You have amazed yourself at the things that you have been able to accomplish, however hard they seemed at first. 

You have fought your way from one level of your life to another. Those never knew you have stared at you in amazement, speechless as you came out of battles that they thought would be the end of you. Your family has come to learn, that when you say you are going to do something, they don’t ask how they simply say go for it.  You are never seeking their opinion, you are simply informing them. And they know that it doesn’t matter how long it takes you, you will achieve what you have set your mind to. 

But of late, I have watched that fire slowly die as you watched on helplessly. You seem to be afraid of something, which is weird because you never were terrified. It seems your courage is being eaten up by a gnawing worm, and you have no idea what to do. You have harboured grand and brilliant ideas and talked yourself out of them. You seem scared of your strength, potential and talent. 

And yet, all hope is not lost. I know that you are lurking out somewhere and you will surely strike again. You are a fighter and you always fight to win. That little girl that always dreamed never grew up after all and you will soar high up. The sky has never been the limit; that is a fact that you have held onto and guess what? I believe you. 

Keep on keeping on, like I always; the sky is never the limit. And if I have not said this today, please remember that I love you and I am proud of the woman that you have become.